Lark's Movie Summaries!

Have you ever wanted to know what happens in a movie, but you don't feel like taking two hours to watch it? Well don't worry, I'll watch random movies and maybe answer your questions in my new segment, Lark's Movie Summaries!

Really. :I
I do this for you. :<
It hurts worse than you may realize. D:

Trouble in Tazmanian Tiger Town
A group of BaseJumpers, comprised of Jayne Cobb, Zoe Chang, Goatee, NYPD Wash Chang, and Pawl, are flown into the Australian Blood & Death Canyon by White Captain Anderson seeking adventure! Team BJ's newest addition, Goatee pussies out at first but ends up jumping into the valley first. While falling he remembers that gravity sucks a tad too late and falls into the trees, through a hole the size of a penny, and gets impaled on a stalagmite. His day gets worse as his blood flowing down triggers a blood ritual summoning Jasmin the Tazmanian Devil to eat him and hunt everyone else. After landing, the Fo'real Australian Police, comprised of Alexa Wake and Snow White lead by Officer Manbeard, arrive to arrest them cause Anderson forgot his Flyers license. On the drive to the F.A.P. Station, Jasmin attacks the car, killing Manbeard and attacking Snow White, sending everyone up the nearest tree like adorable kitteh kats. The next day, they discover Snow impaled through the cheek on a tree but he is soon killed by Jas. Wash rigs up a flamethrower and serves up Flamebroiled Jasmin for everyone. Then five more Jasmins appear. Anderson and Pawl run for the copter as the others don't follow to ensure maximum efficiency. After retrieving the copter, they go pick up the others but a Jasmin jumps in and eats Pawl and makes Anderson crash. Then I ran out of references for the next hour. Zoe and Wash got killed, but Wash killed a Jasmin before he died. Also Wash caused Zoe to die by calling her radio while she was hiding. Anderson blew up his copter with a flare missile canon, killing another. The helicopter, feeling betrayed, whips a piece of metal at Anderson, impaling him through his kidney. Jayne and Alex drag Anderson to the nearest coast guard station, but he demands to sacrifice himself to kill the last one. He props up a stick and shepards the Jasmine onto it. But surprise motherfucker, he forgot about the sixth as he laid dying, staring into the stars, seeing a child. The last Jasmine rams into the tower knocking it over onto it, allowing Jayne and Alex to escape. They run to a cliff to commit suicide and the Jasmine follows to do the same, overcome with grief of her dead fellow Jasmines. But jokes on her, Jayne pulls his emergency parachute out of his pocket saving him and Alex. Jasmine smacks into the ground like a bag of flour and the two walk off into the sunset talking about Australian stuff. Like vegemite and digeridos and penguins.
THE END! 7/10!

I don't even...